Ok, so I rarely go on long train journeys. This is because I am evil and like to ruin the environment by zooming around in an air borne vehicle, watching the plants and small creatures of the world slowly waste away, as CO2 and all sorts of nasty chemicals billow out from the exhaust pipes of the plane (wait, do planes even have exhaust pipes?!)
I jest. I just dislike the idea of being trapped in a metal box, bumping along the ground until I get to wherever it is because being in a metal box hurtling through the air is SO MUCH MORE EXCITING. I love that weird ‘holiday’ feeling you get, even when you’re really not going on holiday anywhere and you’re about to have a mini-heart attack because you can’t remember whether you’ve locked the door/remembered to pack your socks. I also like the whole ritualistic safety procedure thing the flight attendants do. I always stare attentively because I am overly afraid of the plane crashing and feel hugely sorry for them because only nice people and those terrified of plane tragedies seem to be listening.
Another thing which makes me prefer air travel is the fact that the food is just less crappy. And even when it is a crappy, sloppy mess you can totally pretend that it’s free and when it’s served to you by a reasonably attractive and friendly flight attendant with a huge smile it somehow makes it a less miserable meal. Cool.
With trains you have the weird buffet cart/canteen/café/death pit thing which I have never ventured into but by the sounds of it, is probably a carriage at the end of the train with plastic tables and chairs, smelling of stale coffee grinds and time-hardened cardboard sandwiches circa 1996. This leaves the resourceful traveller with very few other options – one of them being buying food at the actual station itself.
This would be fine if the food here wasn’t also so abysmal and expensive that it makes you want to put your head in your hands, weep and wonder what you’ve done in your past life to deserve this mistreatment. There are the same old chains everywhere which I wouldn’t even care about if the stuff they served was semi-edible. I found myself in the unfortunate position of being desperately hungry and stuck in Euston Station (something I seriously do not recommend).
Having no choice but to go to some horrendously lame sandwich chain, I bought myself a regular latte which was the size of those weird tubes you put urine samples in and a mini-baguette the colour of NEON with some unidentifiable mulch in it. I think it was supposed to be a crazy breakfast bonanza but the more I looked at it, the more I wanted to cry. It was the first time I’d ever eaten something I couldn’t identify – I could see egg, cheese (cheese, who on earth has cheese for breakfast, are you CRAZY!?) and the rest was UFM (unidentifiable food-ish matter). Even the identifiable bits were bad. The egg tasted like it had been whipped up from powder and water, World War II style and the cheese was plastic and limp, like it had been in a terrible and violent bar brawl and lost.
I think my latte was ok but I was so worked up and craving the sweet rush of caffeine I think I was beyond caring. Next time I am doing what the smart guy sitting opposite me was doing – loading up with a bag of goodies from M & S because I swear, if I have to eat food from that place or a similar hell hole again I will go crazy and start chewing on other passengers like one of those zombies in 28 days later.
I’ve just realised I’ve reviewed a sandwich joint in a train station. Being on a long train journey has made me sink to an all time low. I’ll be doing the buffet cart next.
